Of Mothers and Fathers

I am not often one to brag. While I may sometimes come off as cocky, it's mostly for comic effect, so true braggadocio is not something I engage in except to taunt Bengals fans.

However, over the years, I have always bragged about the fact that I found it pretty cool to be one of the few __-year olds I knew with parents that were still together. I was beating the odds, I would crow.

The day after my Thanksgiving 2005, my dad left my mom. They're still separated, and they will not be getting back together, as both have seen lawyers. They will not make their 35th anniversary.

I am tied up in knots about the whole thing for various reasons, and it is leaching into much of the rest of my life. My dad left for a bunch of reasons I am sure, but he says it comes down to "we were growing apart" and concerns he had with my mom's health (she's heavy and apparently was smoking again). While I am not going to judge someone for ending a marriage (I know things can get tough -- even though he promised for better or for worse), the way he did it is what is giving me an ulcer. I say that because he left without ever giving my mom a chance to fix things. He also told everyone, including his two children, that it was temporary when it is now obvious that he never had any intention of going back. Now he's started the divorce process without seeking counseling, talking things through, or ever giving his marriage another shot. Not fun to pick up the pieces of my mom the last couple of weeks after he saw the lawyer.

Further, this is also a pattern. My grandfather, for whom I am named, also left his wife after 25+ years of marriage. He too waited until his kids were grown and "they could handle it." He at least gave counseling a shot, but I now face not only the pain of dealing with a broken family (and my sister just found out she's pregnant), but also the fear that if both of them did it, I will too. I take my marriage seriously, and I love my wife more than I thought possible, but it's something that makes me a bit insecure to say the least -- that idea that it not only can happen to anyone, it has happened to everyone in your bloodline. It troubles me that I now have to fight a family legacy as well as the already hard pressures of married life.

I love my parents. I love my parents together. I don't love this situation. I certainly don't love being a parent to my ailing mother. I don't relish the idea of watching my mom have to work through this. I am not "handling it." I'm a bit irrational and depressed. I know we'll all get through this, but it's not how I pictured things would go. Especially since I always wanted to name my first boy after my dad -- I can never do that now even if he and I patch things up.

So, to say that playing poker is a good and necessary release of tension these days is the understatement of the year.